How to Stop Siblings Fighting All the Time

This guide is for parents and carers who feel like full-time referees, with children who bicker, snatch, tease and fight from breakfast to bedtime. You will learn why siblings fight, how to cut down the common triggers, what to say in the moment, and how to teach children to sort out disagreements themselves. General information, not professional advice: if anyone is being seriously hurt, or you are worried about a child's behaviour or wellbeing, talk to your doctor, health visitor or your child's school.

Understand why siblings fight

Some conflict between siblings is normal and even useful. It is often where children first practise standing up for themselves, sharing, negotiating and making up. The goal is not a home with no arguments, but one where fights are less frequent, less intense, and safer, and where children gradually learn to resolve them.

It helps to look for the reason behind the fighting. When you know what usually sets it off, you can often prevent it rather than just react.

• Competition for attention: children quickly learn that a fight brings a parent running.
• Fairness: one child feels the other gets more time, more stuff, or more leniency.
• Tiredness and hunger: fights cluster before meals, after school and near bedtime.
• Boredom: winding up a sibling can be the most interesting thing available.
• Different ages and stages: a toddler knocks down a tower; an older child feels their space is invaded.
• Not yet having the skills: young children do not yet know how to say what they want or how to compromise.
• Stress in the family: moves, a new baby, illness or tension between adults often show up as sibling fights.

Prevent the common triggers

Prevention is usually more effective, and much less tiring, than refereeing. Small changes to routines and the home can take out a surprising number of fights.

Separate time is not a failure. Children who spend all day together often need some time apart. Short spells of playing in different rooms can make the time together more pleasant.

Agree a few clear house rules about how people treat each other, and keep them short enough to remember. For example: 'We keep hands and feet to ourselves. We ask before taking. We use kind words, even when we are cross.' Put them somewhere visible and refer back to them calmly.